Thursday, November 12, 2009

The 10 Worst Sequels Ever According To Me

Sorry it has been so long since I posted anything. Time to get back at this one!



Lord knows I have seen my share of crapfests (and celebrate that fact), but there are some sequels that I just need to call out on the carpet. While I may enjoy making fun of these films, they are seriously what I feel to be the 10 worst sequels ever committed to celluloid. Here they are, in order:

10) Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier
The words "Directed By William Shatner" still brings chills to Star Trek fans. Spock's half brother (seriously?) goes searching for God (seriously?!?) only to find God is not God but an evil entity (SERIOUSLY?!?!). Throw in an awkward love affair between Uhura and Scotty (not to mention the senior citizen fan dance) and the worst green screen effects this side of a made for TV movie from the early 80s and you have an ultimate crapfest.

9) King Kong Lives
Universal Pictures felt in the 80s that the awful King King remake with Jessica Lange needed a sequel. Why they thought this I am blaming on brain fever. Anywho, Kong survives his fall, is in a coma, and needs a blood transfusion in order for him to get an artificial heart transplant. Scientists find a female version of Kong on Skull Island and bring her in to get the blood needed. When Kong comes back to life, he sees the female gorilla, and gets horny, thus going on another rampage through Atlanta. Hasn't the south been through enough?

8) Halloween 3: Season of The Witch
The premise of this film was actually good: a modern day Druid decides to celebrate Samhain the old fashion way with human sacrifice, He does this by becoming the nations #1 seller of novelty toys and Halloween masks, then creates a best selling mask that kills the wearer. Unfortunately, added to the film is robots who bleed Orange Juice concentrate, stealing a stone from Stonehedge (totally implausible), a mask that turns it's wearers into snakes and insects (I would had just had the heads melt or explode period), an ANNOYING TV Commercial jingle and an ending that makes absolutely no sense. Plus: no Michael Myers except for a cameo on a TV commercial for the first Halloween film.

7) Gremlins 2: The New Batch
What made the first Gremlins work was it's blend of fantasy, horror, and comedy. In the sequel, the film decides to go for pure Tex Avery with horrible results. While the idea of mutant gremlins and a leader who could speak English (brilliantly voiced by Tony Randall) are clever, the rest is not. A gender bending gremlin, an unnecessary intro featuring Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, and a moment where the film breaks only to have the gremlins suddenly put on a film about a summer camp causing an angry Hulk Hogan to threaten the gremlins to put the film back on or else. Crap.

6) Batman and Robin
Infamously bad. AH-NOLD was the worst choice for Mr Freeze, Alicia Silverstone's 'A Bee Stung My Lips" routine was getting old, the change of Batgirl being related to Alfred the Butler instead of Commissioner Gordan was not sitting well with the fans, George Clooney's acting was limited to head bobs and smiles, Uma Thurman was boring, and the over the top on purpose campiness (complete with Hanna Barberra sound effects) killed the franchise for many years. This film is a perfect example of how NOT to make a comic book film.

5) Shrek the 3rd
BOY WHAT A LET DOWN! After the success and enjoyment of the first two films, Shrek 3 officially showed that the franchise ran it's course. We do have a part 4 coming out in 2011, but honestly I think they should have stopped. Featuring failed jokes, an awkward casting of Justin Timberlake as King Arthur, a weak plot of the classic fairy tale princesses vs fairy tale villains, and an under usage of both Donkey and Puss In Boots resulted in a bloated corpse.

4) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
This film is to Indy fans what Episode 1 The Phantom Menace is to Star Wars fans: a slap in the face followed by a kick in the balls. The film that inspired the catch phrase "Nuke The Fridge", this unnecessary chapter in the Indiana Jones saga not only ignored the canon of the series (in The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles, an Older in his 90s Indy said he never married. In this film, he does), but the film takes too much advantage of the "Check your brain in and embrace the outrageous" with giant dog sized killer ants, Shia LaBouf swinging in the trees with monkeys, the worst Russian accent this side of Boris and Natassia, and ALIENS! South Park got it right: this was the raping of a childhood hero for many people.

3) Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge
Who knew Freddy Krueger liked it kinky? This film, which was one of the worst allegories for a teen dealing with homosexuality ever committed to film, features a totally uncomfortable sequence where our "hero" goes to a leather bar (seriously now?) and watches his gay chicken hawk of a ghost get som BDSM treatment in the gym shower from Freddy Krueger before he gets "penetrated". Fortunately, wes Cravin was brought in for The Dream warriors to get this series back on some sort of a track after this disaster.

2) Superman 3
The opening credit sequence sets the whole film up: Richard Pryor stars as Richard Pryor, and a big tittied blond starts a serious of wacky slapstick accidents as the opening credits roll. The idea of making part 3 a wacky comedy was a disaster to begin with, and a comedy genius like Richard Pryor as an expert computer hacker did not help. The only good elements of the film? It introduced us to red Kryptonite (although it was still green), which makes Superman a polar opposite asshole version of himself, and the introduction of Lana Lang. Other than that, this Superman vs evil Supercomputer film is hands down, in my book, the worst comic book movie ever made....and that is saying a lot.

and my choice for worst sequel ever is...

1) Shock Treatment
The success of The Rocky Horror Picture Show as a Midnight Cult Classic inspired 20th Century Fox to greenlight this sequel. Unfortunately, the film tried too hard to be a cult film. First, let's look at what was actually good about this film: It had some fun songs by Richard O'Brian, Jessica Harper (the poor man's Karen Allen), oit tackled America's obsession with Reality TV before Reality TV became the most watched TV, and Barry Humpries in a non Dame Edna role. Unfortunately, the film forgot what made RHPS fun: it didn't try hard to be campy. And it also was not afraid to go there (translation: the sequel was rated PG where RHPS was rated R). Plus the idea of Denton TX (yep, The Home of Happiness turns out to be in DFW according to the making of Shock Treatment) being one big television studio was just too WTF. So bad you can't even give riff it.


Ta Dah!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

It's Been A While

Sorry it has been a while since I posted something. I have been seriously busy with work. I promise to make a full post of something cheesy soon

Monday, August 31, 2009

Disney Buys Marvel Comics

DISNEY BUYS MARVEL COMICS FOR $4 BILLION

This is the news I woke up to this morning.

I have to admit, this is news that does not sit well with me at all. I do not like the idea of Mickey Mouse and Hannah Montana standing next to the likes of Spiderman and Wolverine. It's not cool.

As much as I love Disney, they are really getting too big and powerful for their own good, and the idea that the house of mouse now owns the creations of Stan Lee? Not cool.

I can just see the spin offs now:

The Wizards of Waverly Place Meets Doctor Strange.

The Suite Life With Zac and Cody and Jubilee

That's So Raven and Phoenix

The Avengers Meets The Jonas Brothers

Sonny and Rogue with A Chance.

Howard The Ducktales

The possibilities are endless for Disney now! And now that means Disney CAN officially get their hands on that treasured comic convention money ranging from Comic Con to grassroots conventions.

Hipsters who cosplay and hate Disney will now have to live with the fact that when they dress as their favorite Marvel Comics character, they are supporting The Walt Disney Company.

Much worse, this news fucks up Universal Orlando, who has an entire part of the park and two award winning rides dedicated to Marvel Comics characters: The Amazing Spiderman and The Hulk.

Let's not forget what this can do to the releases of future potential films like Iron Man 2 and Thor and any other marvel themed movies in the pipes.

Thank you, Disney, for fucking it up. Now let me wait in a long line to get my picture taken with Magneto in Disney's California Adventure.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

My first party...a bust

I am hosting my first Bad Cinema party tonight. It starts at 5 pm Central time here in Dallas, TX. Had a guest list of 35.

In less than 24 hours that list has shrunk....to three people.

Wow.



Saturday, August 15, 2009

Sextette


Out of all the bad films that a connoisseur of bad cinema can see in their lives, one that is a must see is this disastrous piece of trash from the 70s. It is hard to find these days, but when you find it, snag it like the holy grail it is and watch it. It's precious.

A very very VERY old Mae West, like 84 years old old, stars as Marlo Manners. Marlo is one of World's biggest stars and largest sex symbols. She is at a hotel celebrating the honeymoon (her 6th marriage) to Sir Michael Barrington (played by a pre James Bond Timothy Dalton). A comedy of errors and wackiness ensues as the honeymoon is interrupted by Marlo's past and her current career. She must screen test, model costumes, hide her revealing memoirs, avoid being whacked by her former mob boss husband, and save the world at an international summit all at the same time.

And it's a musical.

And it also stars Dom DeLuise, Tony Curtis, Ringo Starr, Keith Moon, George Hamilton, Walter Pidgeon, Rona Berrett, Regis Philbin, George Raft, and Alice Cooper.

Got a headache yet?

How about Timothy Dalton singing and wooing Mae West?


The film is filled with the trademark sarcastic comments and sexual innuendo that West is famous for, but at the age of 84, it comes off as your grandmother hitting on your 20 year old best friend. It's disturbing and icky.

A lot of stories about the production of the film have been around for years, and they are delicious. One involves the fact that Mae had a cane concealed in her dress to lean on or had various cast members help hold her up. Another one is how she could not remember her lines, so she had an earpiece under her wig to feed her lines. One problem: she also picked up police frequencies and at one point even said on the set 'There is a 608".

Then there is also the one she was waiting in an elevator for hours for the crew to call her out. yes, they forgot about her.

Again, this is a must see film. Need one more reason?


Trust me, this one is a crapy fest keeper.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Hobgoblins. Hobgoblins. What Can You Do With Those Hobgoblins?





Anyone familiar with the show "Mystery Science Theater 3000" will so know this movie. For the uninitiated, this film is a horrible film from the 80s about evil stuffed animals (at least that is what they looked like) locked in a movie studio vault (uh huh....yeah) that are released on accident to cause havoc with some of the worst late 80s stereotypes ever committed to celluloid. The Hobgoblins create a fantasy of your ultimate happy thoughts.....then kill you. Hooray.

The film is a huge goofy rip off of "Gremlins". MST3K attacked it perfectly.

Well 20 years later the film has developed such a huge following because of MTS3K, that Rick Sloane decided to release:



I just watched it last night. Honestly I did not think it was possible for Rick Sloane to make a film more painful than Hobgoblins. Boy, was I wrong.

This one has the same characters from the first one (played by different actors), except this time they are in modern times AND HAVE NO MEMORY OF THE LAST FILM! That aspect was never explained. Anyways, this time instead of a Hollywood studio we are at a mental hospital. Our "heroes" are students in psychology, and are suddenly met with the Hobgoblins again for the first time. The Hobgoblins come when you say the word Hobgoblins 3 times and try to kill you with your worst fears.

To say the film's acting and story is bad is like saying I came out of my mom's vagina: not only is it true, it is unpleasant to think about. Once in a while I see a film that is so bad that it's hard even for me to sit through. This is one of those films. The one thing though that was the most amusing and interesting was to see Karens Knotts.

Karen Knotts.....is Don Knotts' daughter. And she looks like him.

If you see this film, PROCEED WITH CAUTION! I may suggest some adult libation to get through this one.


Saturday, August 8, 2009

Teeth


I just got finished watching this film, and I have to admit I enjoyed it more than I thought I was going to.

For those who do not know anything about this film, it's about a teen girl who is a strong advocate for abstinence and wearing the Jonas brothers purity ring. She is prudish, squeaky clean, and way too Doris Day. who can blame her when she has a mother dying of what appears to be cancer (apparently caused by the fact they live next to a nuclear power plant), a father who has no guts to stand up to anyone, and a step brother who torments her because he is actually madly in love with her and can't have sex with her. No wonder she is Ivory Soap on legs.

Well she gets hooked up with this guy she is seriously attracted to at a purity hoedown and they start dating. She wants to take it the next step but nightmarish visions tell her it is wrong. They break up, but then after a blow up in the family she freaks out and runs to her lover boy. They go for a swim, hormones start to wriggle their way through, and the next thing you know he is raping our beloved female protagonist. She screams at him to stop, he doesn't then suddenly CHOMP off goes his penis.

The rest of the film deals with our female lead dealing with this fact as well as her family issue and her own sexual awakening. Plus the fact that she realizes she is inhabiting a legendary myth: Vagina Dentata. Plus, she realizes the power of her pussy and the damage it can cause to anyone who wrongs her.



The film, like I said, surprised me. It honestly had the feel of an exploitation film you would see in the 70s in a drive in or a run down theater. I am sure this film will also cause a few men cross their legs, because while they never show the actual dentata ( a choice I actually liked a lot) they do show the carnage. One moment you are cringing then laughing at how wrong what you are seeing is.

I do recommend checking it out, and this film while it is serious does have a cheese factor to it, which is what made me enjoy it more than I thought.

OK that is all for now but do not worry, I will be back soon with a look at a really cheesy film

Thursday, August 6, 2009

John Hughes




What can be said about the man that has not been said already?

I mean yes in his later years he has written some works that are not so memorable (Drillbit Taylor anyone?), but his body of work is filled with some of the most enduring and loved comedies out there today. With that said, I think what got me the most was how well he wrote teenage angst. He got it. He understood exactly what teenagers were going through at that pivotal moment in their lives, and the fact he got it is what impressed me the most about his body of work.

If there is one film of his that stands out the most to me, it is "The Breakfast Club"
I did not see this film when it was first released. I was still a child at the time and my parents felt I would not understand the film. It was not until I was a junior in High School when I finally got to see the film. what blew me away was how what I was seeing was exactly what I was going through in school. I never had a film connect with me as much as this one did. What is amazing even more today about the power of this film is how after over 20 years the film is STILL relevant.
And that is what makes John Hughes a talent to be reckoned with. He brought us films that still have audiences today (National Lampoon's Vacation, Weird Science, Sixteen Candles, Pretty In Pink, Home Alone just to name a few). He will be greatly missed, but his movies will definitely live on.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

A non cheesy post: My all time favorite surprise endings



"Orphan" was a big surprise for me. I did not expect to like this film like I did, but the film had me in B Horror Movie bliss. The two things that impressed me most about the film was the acting of Isabella Furhman, but also the ending that you did not see coming at all. And it was an ending that lived up to the hype of being a shock ending.

Too many movies these days boast this claim and when the twist does come, it fails. OOOH IT'S ACTUALLY THE MOTHER WHO IS KILLING! OOH SHE HAS A SPLIT PERSONALITY! OOOOH THEY ARE IN MODERN TIMES AND NOT THE 19TH CENTURY!

Please.

However, there are those films that come around where the ending really makes you go WHAT!?!?! when it happens. This post is a SPOILER FREE post about that (and no, The Crying Game is not on this list because the surprise happened in the middle of the film, not the ending). So here is what I feel are (in no particular order) the 25 best shock twist endings ever (not including "Orphan")

Planet of the Apes (1968)
The Empire Strikes Back
The Usual Suspects
Soylent Green
The Bad Seed
Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?
Million Dollar Baby
The Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
Se7en
April Fool's Day (1986)
Vertigo
Chinatown
Sleepaway Camp
Psycho
Looking For Mr Goodbar
Stephen King's The Mist
No Way Out
Night Of The Living Dead (1968)
On Her Majesty's Secret Service
The Others
The Stepford Wives (1975)
Rosemary's Baby
Saw
They Shoot Horses, Don't They?
When A Stranger Calls


What are yours?

"The Italian Stallion"


For my first offering of cheese, I am presenting to you a really ripe piece of cinematic cheese known as "The Italian Stallion".

Sylvester Stallone made this film prior to making "Rocky", and it was originally released as a porn called "The Party At Kitty And Stud's". It was edited down and released theatrically after "Rocky" was released, and is one of the most infamous Grindhouse films ever made.

Stallone plays Stud, a horny angry man who decides that he and his girl Kitty, who likes it rough, is going to host a party filled with booze, drugs, dancing, a giant ass mirror, and sex. They decide this after they have sex and after Stud whips Kitty with his belt. The rest of the film is nothing but full frontal unshaven 70s bush on parade, as the most unsexiest people roll around naked doing an arthouse experimental porn film. Complete with a scene containing a woman douching herself. At the end of it all, they roll around on each other then partake in a pagan dance of....something. The exact dance is still unknown.

Isn't that sexy?

Here is the trailer of this cinematic experience.


video

I do have to tell you though, that the film is painful to sit through. You actually feel sorry for him. With that said, I highly suggest searching the film out. It is one of those films that one must experience before one dies, just so they can say "yes I have seen that film". Besides, after seeing Stallone's dance movies, how can you resist?

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog: A Cinematic Slice Of Cheese.

In this blog I will celebrate the wonders that is really bad cinema, from the small indie films that are mind numbingly bad to the big studio releases that smell worse than a hot Yeti's ass. So check back here often to satisfy your cinematic cheese cravings.